Love of the Game Page 28

  Axel called her from the road, telling her about his travels, spinning colorful stories of his teammates’ antics. He described every pitch he threw, how he felt afterward in mind, body, and spirit. His voice filled with pride and excitement, but underneath was more—a wistfulness, a tender longing, a quiet sigh—especially when he whispered, “I miss you so much.”

  She talked about Emma, and how she was slowly integrating her sister into her life. There were ups and downs as she navigated the learning curve of caring for an adult sibling with mental and emotional challenges. How she’d taken Emma swimming at the community pool, and while her back was turned buying Emma a snow cone, her sister spied David, the bag boy from the supermarket, and before Kasha could get to them, they were kissing on the side of the pool. As calmly as she could, she had intervened. Careful not to make a big thing of it, but quickly getting Emma out of the pool and back home. Luckily, Emma hadn’t balked too much. It had been a good mood kind of day.

  “It’s important to appreciate the small victories,” Kasha had said to him. “That’s what life with Emma is teaching me.”

  On the Fourth of July, the entire Carlyle clan, Emma included, packed into Jodi’s van and made the trip to Dallas to watch the Gunslingers play and Axel make his comeback appearance. While Kasha enjoyed sitting in the stands with her family during the game, and got a kick out of watching Emma’s face during the fireworks show, she couldn’t help wishing she could be alone with Axel.

  As it was, they barely got to see each other. The game had gone into extra innings and it was almost midnight by the time the guys—Rowdy, Jake, and Axel—met up with them. They all grabbed dinner at a twenty-four-hour diner near the stadium, but she and Axel never had a chance to be alone.

  The team was playing in Seattle the next day, and they had an early morning flight out. Kasha had Emma, so there was no sneaking off, even for a quickie. Her sister, not accustomed to staying up so late, was fading fast, yawning and dozing with her head on Kasha’s shoulder as they sat in the large, round, family-style booth at the diner.

  All they were able to manage was a quick kiss in the parking lot where everyone could see. Zero privacy. No chance for hanky-panky. But at least they got to see each other in person, and that was better than nothing.

  Or at least that was what Kasha told herself.

  Until she got home that night, hot and bothered and desperate for him, but she couldn’t even call him for the relief of phone sex. She had Emma and her sister was so hyped up from the day’s activities, she couldn’t sleep. Kasha spent hours trying to settle her down, and it was after three in the morning when Emma finally nodded off.

  Kasha poured herself a glass of wine and went to sit on the back porch. She thought of the hope chest wine she’d shared with Axel, stared up at the stars, and whispered his name to the ebony sky.

  She loved him in a way that she’d never loved another, and it was as if they were on separate planets. And what she’d wanted to believe was that one of the greatest romances of all time slowly seemed to be slipping from her grasp.

  And as each day passed, she felt him drifting away into his life of baseball, while she stayed rooted here in Stardust, going nowhere.

  Oh God, she felt so much; how could she be feeling so much—desire, need, desolation, love, hope, joy, sadness, grief?

  She was at their mercy.

  Once upon a time, dark emotions had driven her to do the unthinkable. She pressed her hands into wounds of her thighs, closed her eyes, felt a fresh flood of hot feelings—good and bad and in between—rushing over her.

  Emotions.

  So many emotions.

  Emotions she’d spent a lifetime trying to avoid, but she wasn’t avoiding them anymore. Kasha embraced the chaos. She laughed and cried and punched the lawn chair pillow and surrendered to the very thing she’d spent a lifetime avoiding.

  Messy, crazy passion.

  Her greatest fear had come upon her.

  And it was terrifying and glorious.

  CHAPTER 27

  Two weeks after the All-Star break, Axel was traded to the New York Yankees.

  It was the team he’d dreamed of joining since he was six years old with his bedroom decorated in Yankees memorabilia. He’d gotten everything he’d ever wanted, and he should be supremely happy. Over the moon.

  But he wasn’t.

  All he could think about was Kasha, and how miserable he was without her. He’d been seeing her whenever he could, but it was tough enough during baseball season when he was in Dallas. New York might as well be on another planet.

  He couldn’t break the news over the phone. He had to see her in person. Hold her. Kiss her. Make love to her.

  Axel drove to Stardust, having no idea when he’d be back again, or how this would go. He hadn’t called to tell her he was coming for fear his voice would give him away, and she would guess why he was in town.

  Kasha lived on the outskirts of town on a small plot of land, the neighbors few and far between. Her cottage looked like something from a fairy tale, small, gray stone, with ivy growing up the walls. Around the sides, like stalwart sentinels, stood protective pine trees. A cobblestone walkway led to the front door from the gravel drive.

  Behind the house, he could see a pond with a duo of swans sliding over the glassy green surface. Axel held his breath, enchanted. A tiny jolt of recognition grazed him, but the impression was ephemeral, too hazy to be deciphered. Familiarity tugged at him, a sensation that whispered, You’ve come home.

  Before he could get out of the car, the door opened, and Kasha came out on the front porch, her gaze locked on the darkening clouds bunching up against sunrise. Her dark hair was loose, sailing about her shoulders in the wind, her peaceful face tipped up to the troubled sky.

  The gauzy light blue maxi she wore whipped about her body, molding the soft material against the curve of her thighs, and flowing out behind her. She looked like a goddess—tall and lithe and beautiful and fierce.

  She hadn’t noticed him yet, and he felt nonexistent without her attention and at the same time strangely liberated by his invisibility.

  The snapshot moment was priceless and he knew as he looked upon her that this moment would stay with him forever—pure and crisp and mystical. Kasha, majestic in her stature, her full lips parted slightly, and in those compassionate knowing eyes that slanted down slightly at the corners, a gleam of joy and peace, an expression that both lifted his heart and distressed him at the same time.

  Axel stood in awe, watching her, and realization hit like a lightning bolt shooting from heaven—sharp and bright and hot. This woman was the love of his life and he would never ever feel like this about anyone else.

  He got out, slammed the car door.

  She turned, her eyes widening.

  He rushed up the walkway to greet her. She stayed rooted on the steps, and when he reached her, he spied a single tear tracking down her cheek.

  Axel’s gut flipped backward and doubled over. Kasha was crying.

  “Hey,” he said, his throat tightening.

  “Hello.” She blinked hard, pressed a knuckle to her cheek, blotting away the tear.

  He stepped closer. The whisper of her scent, that exotic combination of—frankincense and lavender and sage now mixed with the smell of rain—vibrated the air molecules around them.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “You’re here and …” She rubbed the back of her left calf with the toe of her right shoe. “And I’m getting Emma for two weeks this time. Molly and Cliff are bringing her over right now.”

  There went his hope for a sleepover before he left for New York tomorrow. He eyed her up and down. There were dark circles under her eyes, and a tiredness that weighted her shoulders. He wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her for all he was worth, but there was a stiffness between them, an unexpected awkwardness.

  “How have you been?” he asked. “Feels like forever since we’ve seen each other in person. Those Skype s
essions aren’t the same thing.”

  “Great.” She bobbed her head. “I’m doing great. What are you doing here?”

  “I came to bring you something. A gift …” Before I move fifteen hundred miles away.

  “You didn’t need to do that. Seeing you is gift enough.” Her smile was anemic. Something was wrong. Yeah, you’re leaving her.

  He walked back to the car, went around to the trunk, and took out the picture frame wrapped with a big red bow. Carried it back to her.

  “I finished the painting,” he said, feeling like a little boy offering a wildflower bouquet to his first girlfriend.

  “When did you have time?”

  “All those nights I couldn’t sleep while thinking about you.”

  “Oh, Axel,” she said, as if her heart were breaking. She took the portrait from him, studied it for a long time, a mist of tears clouding her beautiful eyes. “You’ve made me look like a movie star.”

  “To me more beautiful than any movie star.”

  “Thank you,” she murmured. “I love it. You’re an amazing artist.”

  He grinned sheepishly, embarrassed. He tried to shift his expression, searching for just the right balance of strong macho self-esteem, and humble lovable guy.

  “How come you don’t keep it?” she asked. “Start a collection. One day you’ll have a gallery showing. I just know it.”

  “I wouldn’t want to damage it when I …” He pressed his lips together. He was doing a piss-poor job of breaking the news.

  “When you what?” she asked, her body stiffening as if she knew something was up.

  He took the portrait from her, leaned it against the porch railing, took her hands in his, met her gaze head-on. He could avoid it no longer. “When I move to New York City.”

  She gasped, and her eyes widened, and he watched the interplay of emotions war across the face—surprise, delight, disappointment, sadness. “Axel, that … that’s wonderful news. Your dream has come true.”

  “Yeah,” he said, his voice coming out rough and husky.

  “You don’t look happy. You should be over the moon.”

  “I would be,” he admitted, “if it didn’t mean leaving you.”

  “This is a joyous moment for you,” she said. “You must revel in it.”

  “I can only do that if you agree we can make this long distance thing work.” He squeezed her hands as anxiety gripped his gut.

  She shook her head like she’d lost something irreplaceable, pulled her hands away from his grasp.

  His heart took an express elevator to his feet. “Kasha?”

  “How is that even possible, Axel?” Her voice was quiet, calm.

  He couldn’t decide if it was because she’d already gotten over him, or because she’d completely anesthetized her feelings. She had a talent for it.

  “You’ll be in New York,” she continued. “My life is here. My family is here. I’m working on getting custody of Emma. “But it’s okay. You’re where you need to be, and so am I.”

  “But I don’t …” He paused, swallowed past the enormous lump in his throat. “… want to leave you.”

  “Nonsense,” she said. “This move is all you’ve ever wanted. You told me so yourself. It’s the dream you dreamed with your son. You must go. You’ve got an unstoppable passion for baseball.”

  “I’ve got an unstoppable passion for you.” He held his arms at his side. It was all he could do not to touch her again, pull her against him, kiss her until they were both crazed with lust, but he couldn’t do that. She had to come to him.

  His gazed locked with hers.

  A sad expression tilted the corners of her mouth downward. “Axel,” she said, in a tone that ice-picked him straight through the heart. “I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you, but …”

  “No.” He shook his head. “Don’t say it.”

  “Can’t we just keep this breakup clean and easy? No mess. No fuss. No drama.”

  “Quiet.” He fisted his hands, felt his heart shrivel in his chest. “That’s the way you want it.”

  “Yes.”

  “Calm.”

  “That’s right.” She nodded and smiled a tense smile no one would buy into.

  “Passionless.” He put extra emphasis on the word, knowing it made her twitchy. Good. Let her be uncomfortable. As long as she felt something, she wasn’t shutting down completely.

  “Passion isn’t the issue here,” she said.

  Frustration roared through him. He stabbed fingers through his hair, let out an exasperated breath. “The hell it’s not.”

  He didn’t need to see the stark panic in her eyes to know she was scared. He could feel it coming off her in icy waves. Axel clamped his hands on her shoulders, but she dropped her gaze, refusing to glance up at him. “Look at me, Kasha.”

  “It’s not going to change things.”

  “Look at me,” he said, using a soft voice on her just like she’d used on him, wielding calmness as a weapon.

  Finally, she lifted her chin and crashed headlong into his gaze. “Can’t we just let the relationship be what it was? A great fantasy, one for the storybooks, but it was a fantasy nonetheless.”

  “No.” He gritted his teeth. “Because for me, it is so much more.”

  “Don’t,” she whimpered, stepped back, and folded her arms over her chest. “Please …”

  “I love you, Kasha Carlyle, and no matter what happens between us, I always will.”

  “Axel,” she said, “I love you too, but this simply isn’t going to work.”

  “Why not?” he asked, standing there feeling like she’d run him through with a sword. “Because you won’t let it?”

  “The truth is …” Her eyes turned heart-smashingly sad. “It’s not the distance. It’s not your move to New York. It’s not the fact we would be apart six months out of the year.”

  “What is it then?”

  “I feel so much for you that it’s tearing me to shreds. My feelings are too dangerous, too combustible. You leave me shaken, and wrecked, and crazy. And that terrifies me. I can’t be like my biological mother. I won’t.”

  “Oh, Sphinx,” he whispered. “You can’t be. You would never be like her. What will it take to make you understand that?”

  “You can’t know that. What if I inherited her Mad Hatter genes?”

  It hurt him to see how tormented she was, hurt even worse that he couldn’t fix it. Fact. Her mother had murdered her father in a crime of passion. That couldn’t be changed or solved.

  Not ever.

  If she couldn’t see her way clear, disassociate herself from her mother’s actions, there was nothing he could say or do to change her mind.

  “I see,” he said, his shoulders slumped, his mouth tasting of ashes.

  “It’s not you,” she said. “It’s never been you. You are splendid. Exceptional. And you’ll make someone a fine husband. Just not me.”

  “Kasha.” He reached out a hand, desperate to comfort her, but she spun away, the heartbeat in her throat pounding wildly out of control.

  “See what you do to me?” she said, placing her hand over her racing pulse as if trying to hold it inside. “When I’m around you, even my blood can’t go through my veins at a normal pace.”

  “This is insurmountable?”

  “Yes,” she said. “I can’t bear to feel this way. Please, just go. Let’s forget what we had together. It was just lightning in a jar. Nothing we can build on. Let it go, Axel. Let me go.”

  “Yeah.” He bobbed his head, licked dry, cracked lips. “You’re right. Sensible. Calm. That’s what we need. Love and passion, well, it’s for crazy people, right?”

  She whimpered, soft and low and agonized. “Please, please leave. Before Emma gets here.”

  He raised both palms, stepped back. “That’s the way you want it, I’m gone. The last thing I want to do on the face of this earth is to make you feel scared or unsafe, and it looks like that’s exactly what I’ve done. So don�
��t worry. I’m out of your life. As you wish. It’s over.”

  It killed Kasha to break things off with Axel, but it was for his own good. As long as his thoughts were with her in Texas, he wouldn’t be able to focus on his career.

  And it wasn’t as if she didn’t have her hands full. Taking responsibility for Emma changed everything. Her half sister’s needs had to come first.

  Her heart was breaking as she watched him drive away, and when she picked up the painting he’d given her and took it into the house, her heart broke again.

  The portrait was haunting. In it, she looked ethereal, untouchable, caught between water and sky, seemingly part of the clouds, floating in an ethereal white gown. Her face had no expression, her hair windblown. The way he used shadow and pigment evoked a single mood.

  Deep melancholia.

  Was that how he saw her? Alone. Isolated. Untouchable. The painting itself was lovely, but it made her feel so sad.

  She stowed the portrait in her bedroom, unsure where to put it, just as Molly and Cliff showed up with Emma.

  Now, as she saw Emma come running up the sidewalk toward her, the biggest smile in the world on her face, Kasha knew she’d absolutely made the right decision.

  One good thing had come out of her dark past. Her sister.

  Kasha caught Emma in her arms and gave her the biggest hug and told herself everything was going to be all right.

  That day, they did everything Emma wanted to do—fishing, going to the park to swing on swings, getting ice cream, going to Timeless Treasures to see Callie. By the time she got Emma fed, bathed, and into bed, Kasha was exhausted. She’d not had a spare moment to think about Axel.

  She fell diagonally across the foot of her mattress and dropped instantly asleep without even taking off her clothes.

  Sometime later, she woke disoriented. For a moment she didn’t know where she was. She blinked, realized she was upside down in bed, searched for the digital clock on the bedside table.

  Two a.m.

  Yawning, she shook herself awake enough to change into pajamas and go check on Emma. She pushed open her sister’s bedroom slowly to keep the hinge from creaking and peeked inside.