A Cowboy for Christmas Read online

  And here was Rafferty with castoffs again. Jake’s cast-off horse, his cast-off wife . . .

  No. He did not think of Lissette that way and he was ashamed of that passing thought.

  He had never intended on starting a relationship with his brother’s wife. Staying out of her bed had been his central goal and he’d failed. Miserably.

  But once begun, however, he wanted more. Much more. A simple fling would have been easy. Keep it quiet until it burned out. A secret that brought a smile. But that wasn’t enough for Rafferty. He needed more.

  Except Lissy didn’t.

  She couldn’t say it to him. He’d seen it in her eyes. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she was still grieving. Still sorting out her life. Still learning to deal with Kyle’s disability. She didn’t have any room in her heart for a complication like him. So he was going home. He would not go to her on this last night as he’d planned. He would spend the night in the garage apartment. Would not slip into her bed one final time, and in the morning, he would head back to where he belonged.

  Because it was the only option that his conscience would allow.

  Lissette left the back door unlocked, hoping against hope that Rafferty would join her when he got back, but he did not come to her.

  She never slept.

  Finally, she got up at four A.M. and spied his truck parked in the driveway. So he was still here, but he had not come into the house. She understood why he had not come in, but understanding did not soothe her.

  Might as well get to work. Nothing calmed like the reassuring act of measuring sugar and sifting flour and rolling out dough.

  She’d been working for about an hour when the back door opened.

  “Lissy?”

  She glanced up. A strand of hair had fallen across her face. She tossed her head to get it to move. Her hands were dusted with flour. “You didn’t come in last night.”

  “No.” Rafferty looked more handsome than ever in his Stetson and cowboy boots. “I thought it best not to string things out.”

  “So,” she said. “I guess this really is good-bye.”

  “I wish—”

  “You don’t have superpowers, Rafferty.” She stiffened, fighting everything inside her to keep from running across the kitchen, wrapping her arms around him, and begging him to make love to her on that marble amid the muffins.

  “Let me finish.”

  “Go ahead.”

  “I wish there was some way to know if what’s going on between us was the real deal or just a consequence of losing Jake.”

  “There’s no way to know for sure without separating.”

  “I realize that.”

  “Here,” she said, slipping muffins into a Ziploc bag. “Have a Mockingbird Muffin for the road.”

  “Mockingbird Muffin?”

  “It’s my newest pastry. It’s like a hummingbird cake but with a secret Texas ingredient. So good it will have you singing like a mockingbird.”

  “Your bakery is going to be a huge success, Lissy.” He picked up the muffin bag, turned to leave, stopped, and then came back. “I almost forgot,” he said, “that I got you a good-bye present.”

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “It’s a Christmas cactus. It’s supposed to bloom on Christmas Day. I left it in the apartment.”

  She smiled and her heart clenched.

  “I’m gonna miss the hell out of you.” He came over and pressed his lips against her neck. Hot. Blistering. Masculine lips. Not soft, but tender.

  Rafferty!

  And then he was gone, his feet padding away. Lissette stood at the counter, the spatula curled in her fingers, tears streaming down her cheeks. This wasn’t fair! She wanted him. Wanted him more than she’d ever wanted any man and that included her husband. But she couldn’t claim what she wanted.

  She was in love with him.

  No, no. She was not in love. She was mixed up. She was lonely. She had needs and Rafferty was a sexy man. She didn’t love him. She couldn’t love him. Yes, he was kind to her son. Yes, he had made her heat up in places she had no business heating up in. Yes, he helped her in the way of a real helpmate. But that did not equal love. Gratitude, yes. She could not mistake this for something it was not.

  She slung down the spatula, spun around, ran after him. “Rafferty!”

  Lissette could see him through the window inside the back door, the blinds partially pulled up.

  He stopped.

  So did she.

  Lissette reached out a hand, clamped down on the knob.

  Rafferty shook his head, and then he was moving again. Running now. Running away from her, across the yard toward his truck.

  She flung open the door. “Rafferty!”

  He stopped. His back was to her. His shoulders went down and he slowly turned around. That’s when she saw the mist of tears in his eyes.

  “Your feelings are probably going to change once you get to California,” she said. “But just in case they don’t, then let’s make a pact.”

  “What kind of pact?” he asked.

  “If you want to be with me, then be back here by Christmas Eve. If you’re not back by midnight on Christmas Eve, then I’ll know you got home and had a change of heart. No harm. No foul. How does that sound?”

  A faint smile curled his lips. “Wasn’t there a movie like this?”

  “An Affair to Remember, but pay attention. This is important.”

  “I saw it a long time ago. Amelia used to love old movies. I don’t remember much about it except that it didn’t have a happy ending.”

  “What do you mean? It had a happy ending.”

  “No it didn’t, the woman he loved ended up in a wheelchair.”

  “You’re missing the point. They ended up together.”

  “But she was in a wheelchair.”

  “This from the man who taught me that deafness isn’t a handicap.”

  “You’re right. I’m looking at this the wrong way.”

  “So we have a deal? Midnight? Christmas Eve? If you don’t show we never mention it again. No hard feelings.”

  “Deal,” he croaked. “I’ve got to go.”

  “I know.”

  A slice of dawn shone down on her. Nah-nah, lovesick fool. He’s never coming back.

  She watched him drive away, pulling Jake’s horse trailer behind him. He waved. She waved. Good-bye.

  For the longest time she stood there, willing him to come back to her. She stood until the smoke alarm went off, blasting an ear-splitting shriek, and the smell of burning muffins singed her nostrils. At least it wouldn’t wake Kyle up, she thought ruefully.

  Finally, she went back inside. Dumped the burned muffins in the sink, pulled the battery from the alarm until the smoke dissipated, and then she started all over again. Because these days, that was what she did best.

  Start all over from scratch.

  Claudia couldn’t stand it any longer. The guilt was too much to bear. After she’d confessed her sin to Stewart, he’d told her she needed to forgive herself, but she couldn’t do that until she asked Rafferty for forgiveness. Then Stewart had told her he loved her no matter what she’d done in the past and he took her to bed.

  She heard through the grapevine that Rafferty had been training Jake’s cutting horse and entered him in the futurity and that he’d been winning. She’d been trying to work up a head of courage to go apologize to him, but it was so difficult. What if Rafferty refused to forgive her? What then?

  When she heard that one of Joe Daniels’s horses had won the amateur division, she knew Slate had finally lost. This was her opportunity to go to Rafferty and congratulate him on a good showing and then confess everything.

  She got dressed that morning on December 4 and faced herself in the mirror. She had to do this. It was the only way to move on. More than anything, she wanted to see Lissy and Kyle, and this was her ticket back into their lives.

  Unless they didn’t forgive her either.

  But Ste
wart had forgiven her. He understood.

  Yes, but he wasn’t the one she’d wronged.

  Finally, before she chickened out, she got into her car and drove to Lissette’s house.

  She parked in the driveway and she was more than relieved to see the red dually with the California plates wasn’t here.

  You’re not getting off that easy. Go find Lissy and ask where he is.

  She forced her legs to move, and started around to the back door. Her heart pounded as she remembered the last time she’d been here. When she’d peeked through the French doors into the kitchen and seen Lissy and Rafferty together. Her hand pressed against his heart.

  Her stomach roiled and she almost turned and ran, but then she saw that the door to the garage apartment was open. Was Rafferty up there and his truck was simply closed up in the garage?

  This was it.

  The time had come.

  Drawing on whatever little courage she had left, Claudia forced herself up the stairs. A vivid green Christmas cactus in a bright red planter was sitting on the landing. She hesitated at the threshold, curled her fingernails into her palms, braced herself and peeked inside.

  There was Lissette bent over, stripping sheets off the bed.

  Claudia’s gaze darted around the room. No sign of Rafferty. The air seeped from her lungs, hissed through her clenched teeth.

  Lissette’s head shot up.

  Their gazes met. Stuck.

  “Lissy,” Claudia said.

  Her daughter-in-law smiled sadly. “Mom.”

  Mom! Hope lifted her spirits. She’d called her Mom. “Is Rafferty here?”

  “He’s gone.”

  “When will he be back?”

  “He’s gone for good. Home to California.”

  Claudia’s knees almost gave way with relief. Rafferty was gone, but that didn’t absolve her. She had to set things right and confessing to Lissette would be a start. “Can I . . . can we talk?”

  Lissy dropped the sheets to the floor, sat down on the bare mattress, and patted the spot beside her.

  Her legs moved toward Lissy, but she was barely aware of the journey, her mind busy with how to begin.

  “I’ve missed you,” Lissy said.

  “I’ve missed you too.”

  They sat there looking at each other.

  Claudia’s bottom lip started to tremble. “Lissy, I’m so sorry.”

  “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me,” Lissy said.

  “I didn’t! I didn’t!”

  “I know you were just hurting. That’s why you lashed out at Rafferty.”

  “I was.” Claudia plastered a palm to her forehead. The ache in her heart was so acute that she had to stop and catch her breath. She gulped, desperate for more oxygen. Lissy looked so calm, so put together in a simple sweater and black slacks. She was such an elegant woman. “Where’s Kyle?” she asked, suddenly desperate to see her grandson.

  “He’s at Mother’s Day out. I had to get some baking done and while the bread was in the oven I thought I’d come clear out the apartment.”

  “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” Claudia’s voice came out high and reedy.

  “Who? Rafferty?”

  Mutely, she nodded.

  She glanced away but not before Claudia saw the mist of tears in her eyes. Lissette didn’t answer her question, instead she said, “This is the way it has to be.”

  “Because of me? Did you send him away because of me?”

  “Only partially.” Lissette picked at imaginary lint on the knees of her slacks. Finally, she raised her head and her gaze locked with Claudia’s. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but I’m not going to apologize for anything I’ve done.”

  She knew then that Lissy had slept with Rafferty. “You love him more than you loved Jake.”

  “He’s different than Jake,” Lissy said. “Kinder. More understanding.”

  Claudia pressed her lips together, fighting back the tears. She considered jumping up and running from the room so they did not have to have this conversation, but she made herself stay rooted to the bed. “I know.”

  “Jake and I—”

  “I know.”

  Lissy put a hand to her nose. “He gave me Kyle.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Because of Jake I have you.” A single tear rolled down Lissy’s cheek.

  “Lissy, before you say anything else, there’s something I have to tell you.”

  Lissy’s face paled. “I’m listening.”

  “It’s about Rafferty. About what I did to him when he was young. That’s the reason I lost it when I met him in person. Not because I was jealous that he was with you. It’s because I was so ashamed of what I’d done.”

  Lissette put a hand to her mouth. “What did you do?”

  Claudia’s shoulders slumped. She felt as if her bones were shrinking. “It was at Christmas time. Jake was six years and I was putting Gordon’s jeans in the laundry. There was a letter in the back pocket. I took it out and instantly smelled perfume.”

  “It was from Rafferty’s mother?”

  She nodded. “Amelia Jones. In the letter, she told Gordon that he had a two-year-old son and she wanted him to come to California for Christmas to see him.”

  They sat there in the awkward silence.

  “What did you do?”

  “Well, at first I was hurt, betrayed, but then I started thinking what would happen if Gordon went back out there? Would he leave me for her? What would this do to our family? What would it do to Jake?” She paused. “I knew what I had to do to protect Jake. I couldn’t let my son’s life be unraveled by his father’s indiscretions. You’re a mother. You know what I’m talking about.”

  But Claudia could see by the look in Lissy’s eyes that she didn’t fully understand. “I got on a plane and flew out to California. I was so full of self-righteous rage. I was going to make this woman suffer for bursting the bubble of my life. I’m not proud of what I did, but at the time, I thought I had the right, but I’ve regretted my actions every day since then.”

  “What did you do?” Lissy’s green eyes were wide.

  Once she said the words there would be no taking them back. When Lissy learned the truth about her, would she stop loving her? “Did Rafferty ever say anything about me?”

  Lissy shrugged. “Other than his mother wasn’t a fan of yours, no. But that’s understandable.”

  What if she just didn’t say anything else? What if she clamped her mouth shut and never said another word? But she couldn’t do that. Her life wasn’t worth living if she couldn’t face herself in the mirror every morning with an unburdened conscience.

  “I flew out there to confront her.”

  “That was brave of you.”

  “It wasn’t bravery that drove me. It was pure jealous rage. How dare this woman try to disrupt our lives? She was demanding money from Gordon. Money we didn’t have. Money that would take food from the mouth of my child.” Even now, as ashamed as she was of herself for what she had done, she could still feel the ghost of that old rage haunting her. Jealousy was a terrible, terrible thing.

  “But Rafferty was Gordon’s child too,” Lissy murmured.

  “I know, I know.” Wretched misery seized hold of her. “What I did was unforgivable, inexcusable, and I’ve regretted it every day of my life since. But you have to understand. Jake was my primary concern. What I did, I did for him. It was wrong. It was misguided. It was awful.”

  “Claudia.” Lissy’s voice was small. “What on earth did you do?”

  “I tracked Amelia down to some squalid apartments in a very rough part of town. But I didn’t care. I was so angry that I was afraid of myself. I barged up those steps, went down that dark ugly corridor, and slammed my fist on that door. I could say that I was temporarily insane, but that would just be an excuse. I’m not making excuses.”

  Lissy’s hand was soft on her shoulder. “You’ve been torturing yourself a long time over this.”

  “
It’s so hard telling you this. I’m so very ashamed. I’m worried that you’ll hate me.”

  “Claudia, I could never hate you.”

  She closed her eyes, clenched her jaw, and breathed deeply through her nose. “The door opens and there’s this tiny boy standing there wearing nothing but a diaper so soggy the bottom is sagging halfway down his legs.”

  “Rafferty?”

  “Yes,” she whispered. “He was just about Kyle’s age. So young. So vulnerable.

  “I asked him if his mama was home and he pointed at the couch. There she is, slovenly in a ratty pink housecoat, passed out. I storm across the room and grab her up by the hair of the head and yank her out of her stupor. She’s blindsided of course, but the boy comes over—”

  “Rafferty,” Lissy reiterated.

  “And he was pummeling the back of my legs with his little fist, yelling at me to leave his mama alone. I swear it should have broken my heart but all I could think was This kid can’t be Gordon’s. No way.”

  “Denial.”

  She opened her eyes, cut a sharp glance over at Lissette to see how she was taking it. Her daughter-in-law’s face was serene. That kind expression was what gave Claudia the courage to continue.

  “She started fighting me back and we had a knock-down, drag-out bitch fight. I won.” Claudia notched up her chin. “God help me, I wish I hadn’t won because I lost myself in that triumph. I told her that if she dared try to bilk money out of Gordon again I would call child protective services and make sure that baby was taken away from her. I made her pick up the phone and call Gordon and tell him that it was a lie. That he wasn’t the father of her child and she’d had a sudden attack of conscience. I wanted to make sure he wouldn’t come back to California looking for her and the boy, and if he thought the kid was really his, I know he would have done that.”

  “It wasn’t your finest hour,” Lissy said, making excuses for her. “But you were young and hurting. It wasn’t a nice thing to do, but you’re not that person anymore.”

  “But Lissy, I turned and walked away. I left that apartment . . .” She stopped speaking, her nose burning. She gulped back the tears and continued. “That apartment was littered with empty booze bottles and marijuana roaches in the ashtray. I left that baby boy alone with her. Knowing what she was. I abandoned him, and that’s something I can never ever forgive myself for.”